Conversational Manners

I recommend that everyone who wants to know more read the whole book. Miss Manners gives beautiful explanations about why certain replies should be given and how to handle many diverse situations.

What I will do on this page is give a situation and the actual words you can use. I should add that I live in the U.S. and it is probable that if you live in another English speaking culture, the reply that is acceptable here as polite, might be different in your culture.

I viewed these answers as helpful in talking to people you would meet on the street, family you don't live with, acquaintances you see at church, work, meetings, dinners and parties. I think you can be much more open, detailed and familiar in your conversations with immediate family and close friends and neighbors.

Setting: Miss Smith announces some kind of personal news (engagement, divorce, etc) Keep your opinions about the event to yourself and say, I hope you will both be very happy. or I hope it works out for the best for you. or I hope you'll each be very happy.

Setting:You have made an announcement of some kind and you get a discouraging or rude reply. You say, you are such a dear friend, I know you'll be happy for me. If the rude comments continue you reply something along the line of - I knew you'd be happy for me, isn't it wonderful? or I'm sure you mean to wish us the best.

Setting: Seeing a baby. Safe and polite comments are along this line - Awwwww, or My what a beatiful baby. or Isn't she the most adorable thing you ever saw? Don't make other critical comments or questions about the baby's looks or physical condition. Do not ask if the baby is doing this or that yet. A proper question, however is, How old is he?

Setting: Mr. and Mrs. Smith announce they are having a baby. First or twelth baby, the reply is the same. You say a hearty Congratulations. Just about any other comment you might add to that would most certainly be rude.

Setting: Miss Smith is experiencing a tragedy. DO NOT say - Things could be worse...., or you think you have troubles?..... or It's all for the best.....or go ahead and feel terrible, you've got to work through it...... DO SAY a very simple I'm so sorry, or I hope you know how much I care, or I am praying for you.

The polite response to Thank you. is You're welcome or My pleasure. not No problem.

We should not be replacing please with I need you to.....

Setting: Mr. Smith burps and says quietly, excuse me. No reply is necessary or appropriate.

A little refresher on introductions: Use full names but not all the professional titles at the end of the person's name. You could add some passing piece of general interest about each person. Miss Smith, this is my cousin, Frank Kally. Frank just returned from the South Pole.

Setting: Miss Smith says to you, You look terrible.. Your reply should be, Oh, how discouraging. I was feeling so chipper before you said that.

Setting: You are meeting new people and Mr. Smith says, Frank has told me so much about you, or I've heard so much about you.... You reply, Well, its all true. or Frank speaks highly of you too.

Setting: If Miss Smith makes the telephone call, she should be the one to conclude it in a timely and polite way. But if she doesn't appear to be doing that, then your reply can be, Well, I won't keep you....

The polite answer at the end of the evening or party or dinner is - Thank you, I had a wonderful time, good night.

Miss Manners has a beautiful chapter on making refusals. Some of it is too specific to be mentioned here, so I recommend the book to be read if you want to learn polite ways of refusing others. Here are some standard polite refusals for many situations, Now is probably not a good time. or I appreciate you thinking of me but I won't be able to... or I am honored by your offer, but it's impossible right now.

An acceptable answer for street people who are asking for money - Sorry.

There is also a fabulous chapter on complimenting. It gives the basics on polite and rude compliments. If you have any doubts if you are making rude compliments or not, read the book and she will straighten you out.

Here is one lesson that I found very valuable. Setting : Miss Smith has a new dress or hair cut that you don't really like. Do you say anything? Miss Manners says, "two options pass the politeness test - silence and insincere compliments. What makes you think we are all obliged to notice one anothers' grooming habits? Or that saying something insincere just because it might please another person is a sin?"

Miss Manners' advice is to avoid commenting in any way on things about a person's dress, grooming, weight, body condition, or what they have purchased or been given. She says, "We are more than what we own." For me persoanlly, the biggest social gaffs I make are when I start commenting on these kinds of personal matters.

Responding to a compliment should be a simple, Thank You.

What should be your reply if Miss Smith makes a rude remark about your looks, job, neighborhood, etc? Practice the weak smile and the statement, oh, really. No question mark at the end.

Miss Manners puts her stamp of approval on talking about the weather and her list of banned topics for polite small talk is: sex, religion, politics, money, illness, the food you are currently eating, bodily functions, possessions of those present, clothing being worn by those present. And I would add gossipping in any form should be banned. I think this does make it very difficult to talk about anything at all, but I guess that requires a bit more creativity on my part.

Setting: Mr. Smith says, So tell me how it feels to.......If you are not of a mind to share your feelings about something, then the reply would be, Fine, thanks. How do you feel?

Setting: Miss Smith starts telling you something that you really don't want to hear. The reply is, I would prefer you didn't tell me anything you want kept confidential. or I would prefer not to hear about that.

What should be your reply to rude or intrusive questions from others about your personal matters? Some applicable form of, Thank you, I know I have your good wishes.... or Thank you for taking an interest.....or I would prefer not to discuss it..... or I haven't begun to think about it....

Miss Manners points out that you don't have to be a doormat if you are polite. She gives many ways of standing your ground and upholding high standards of behavior and doing it politely.

Setting: Miss Smith insults herself such as, I'm so heavy, I could never wear a dress like you have. The polite reply is a non-specific, You look wonderful.

The more difficult part of being polite is turning other people's rude comments into a joke or defusing a tense situation using humor. I guess that's not something that you can give exact words for, but a skill we should all work on.

Besides a chapter on humor, Miss Manners has a chapter on apologies. Unfortunately, we will make many offensive mistakes in social situations and she gives advice and etiquette for making apologies.

Setting: You forget a name or other information or make a big social gaff. You say, I must be losing my mind.....or I hope you'll forgive me.....or I feel terrible about....

The polite answer to How do I look? is wonderful.

I am all for returning politeness and courtesy to our culture. How about you? If you have more suggestions to add to this list of conversational manners, email me